This post by  ShetalkslikeJune and links given by MadMomma in her blog( I knew there had to be a story about NE even before I clicked on them) made me realise that whenever there is a story about racism discrimination within India, we North easterns are sure to be there with our own sob story.As STLJ (sorry if that sounds like DDLJ) points out “Any NorthEastern with a computer has written about this”). Including me, of course. We  form a sisterhood of victims. Misery does know a lot of company.

Why is it that we only get talked about , when there is talk of terrorism/racism/development/discrimination/exoticism.All big serious stuff.

We can be funny -when we are not dodging bullets or scraping off shards of bombs, or  popping ecstasy pills with a bottle of vodka, or trying out this pleasurable thing called sex,or picking pieces of dog meat stuck between our teeth .

You should see when we are drunk.We go red and then our chinky (I can say chinky, since, I AM CHINKY, yoo hoo) eyes go smaller, till you can barely make out if we are awake.If its our fifteenth glass of the evening, we are not.

So, let me start by telling a joke.Don’t run away.

Did you hear about the one where the loud Punjabi ..oh you already heard that? Ok I have one about this miserly Gujjui..that too? Surely you have not heard about this geeky gult in..Oh damn.

Ok then, have you heard about this Assamese….Aha, I see you haven’t. Neither have I.

We are so bloody insignificant you guys don’t even make jokes about us.Come on embrace us.Make fun of us. Else we will feel like that girl who goes to a new school where everyone is  trading insults with each other and totally ignoring her and she has lunch all alone, and she is miserable because her parents got divorced,so finally she takes to drugs and starts killing people in locker rooms…See YOU are responsible for OUR wanton irresponsible lifestyle.

The point I am trying to make here, is that a sure sign of  minority community/tribe getting truly integrated with the mainstream,is when the majority dares to take a potshot at the minority without getting hauled up for been ‘insensitive’ .Or they can make jokes about them,infront of them. Till then, we will always , at best,be met only my amazement  ”aah, the North-East.I have always wanted to go to that part of the country…’.Which,after a point, frankly ,gets on my nerves. If every person who told me that, actually intends to go there, I think I have stepped onto a right business <wink,wink>

And till the jokes keep coming I have nothing to recount but a few random REAL LIFE conversations that took place in the Assamese hostel I stayed in during my Delhi University undergrad days.

Key : We Assamese cannot ,for the life of us, pronounce “Ch..”as in “Chatri”,Chutiya”,”Chaman Chutiya”, or”Sh” as in “shit”, “Shucks”  and F as in “Fuck”, ..you get the idea, right? We simply are wusses when it comes to swearing. Ch and Sh become ‘S’ like Sootiya  and F is Ph as in Phaak.Oh and V is Bh (which I think the Bengalis might understand). And in Upper Assam , they cannot pronounce R.Its simply doesnot exist . The chinese might identify with this particular problem.Notice, how we have divided ourselves nicely based on the upper bank and lower bank of Brahmaputra- and Upper Assam and Lower Assam are very much local terms now,of course pronounced as Aaapar Oxom and Loar Oxom.
So an Assamese, fully aware of his shortcomings will  try to speak in Hindi by simply using the Assamese word but replacing every S with Ch.*Or by raising his voice,like my Dad.Dad, they are not deaf,they just don’t understand your language.Eibur sob thogabaaz dillialla, sob buji paai (Nonsense, these delhi wallas are thugs, they just pretend not to understand).Oh well, that is my dear pater.

So, now that that is cleared, try to understand my hostel mates quandary.

My roommate G (who btw for reason had misplaced confidence in her hindi speaking skills) wanted to tell the maid to hang the washed clothes out in the sun .She , of course, had no clue what sunshine (dhoop, i know) is called in Hindi. She goes “Didi, aap kapda wooohan pe tangiye jahaan pe..a big pause…suraj ki kirne neeche aake kapdo pe gir sake’…” .By this time, Didi was done with said job.Leaving behind a breathless but very victorious G

Another friend,E, whose umbrella(which is called saati, in assamese,and now refer to my earlier key to figure out how an assamese trying to speak in hindi will try to say this word*) just fell out of her lap as the rickshaw took a sharp turn ,shouted frantically to the guy “Bhaiyya ,rokkiye, mera chatti gir gaya “. This was in a small bylane crowded by the delhi roadside romeos, the worst of the lot.

Can our warden be far behind? The gas pipe in the kitchen was leaking .She calls a repair guy and gives him a lowdown of the situation “Bhaiyaaaaaa, kya bolu,gas leeek ho gaya ,aour itnaaa ganda khusbooo aa raha hain“. Perfect thesis/anti-thesis argument ever. After all ‘bad-boo‘ (odour) is ‘gand-a-khusboo‘ (perfume), right?

G again.Bargaining with a rickshaw wala bhaiyya and wants him to reduce the fare “Bhaiyya,Kamaiye Kamaiye“( We think what she meant was “kam kariye” .) Rickshaw wala replies “Kama hi to raha hoon, madamji“..

And so on and so forth.

Our ragging sessions new joinee interaction sessions included making freshers stage a play in hindi.Howlarious, to say the least.Oh how we laughed when some new kid says Carol Bagh instead of Karol Bagh.Someone pronounced Janpath as Ganpath.(I donot even dare reveal her excuse lest you think we share the same level of IQ).

My memory fails me,but there were other such interesting Hindi/Assamese conversations which led to delicate situations.

But wait, I still have not told you a Joke as yet.

Ok this one goes for all my khar-khua (staple Assamese diet, which if I tell you what is, you might not share my tiffin.Which is good because when it comes to Assamese food I always lick the plate clean )Assamese ‘countrymen’ , which unfortunately, no one else other than my 3 assamese readers will be able to understand.It is thaaat subtle.

Edited to add: Before I accept the laughters ,and later on accusations of plagiarism,the following are common Assamese jokes, atleast common with the Assamese student community in Delhi.

Joke 1

Two Assamese friends go to a restaurant in Delhi and orders two cups of tea. “Do Sai lao” (“Do Chai lao”)

So the waiter brings two plates of Dosa to them. After much confusion they accept the Dosa and ask for two spoons. “Ok, Ok, Do Saamas lao” (“Do Chammach lao”) So the waiter brings two Samosas this time

Joke 2

One Assamese person was going home in a rickshaw. Suddenly he said “Hey rickshawalla, rickshaw rokho, hum giregaa”. Rickswawalla replied,”Babu,aap nahi girenge, mein thik se chalaa raahaa hun”. The person exclaimed,”Hum idharhi girega. ye hamaaraa ghar haai!!”

Hahahahaah.I am laughing so much that fine Korimgani Assamese tea is coming out of my nose.

P.S. No more blogging till end of month.