Now I got my own victim-of-gender-discrimination story

Rarely have I been slotted into a category because of my gender and rarer still have I faced any discrimination.

Infact it takes a weird turn for me. People tend to assume that I will hate/not be good at what are called the traditional duties, more in tune with my gender.

But simply be told, I love cooking and I don’t mind kids  (teasing them mercilessly that is. Right now my niece is at the receiving end. If I am not biting her bum, I am simply pinching her or getting her to pull her own hair and generally messing with her mind).

I hate driving but I also hate shopping. I am not good at numbers but neither am I good with cosmetics. I donot remember birthdays or anniversaries but if I do, I will insist on presents been properly packed with white satin ribbon and the whole works.I hate post-coital snuggling (to the extent that I immediately roll over to my side and doze off) and I believe some would say the argument ends here and I am after all from Mars.But I will never split the bill on the first date, if I am asked out.(and I am too shy and egoistic to ask someone out.The rejection would shatter  my already low self-confidence).I guess that doesn’t quite make me the poster girl for the feminist camp.

Of all the arguments my parents have used,not one started with “Because you are a girl…”.  I never personally faced any discrimination based on my gender and barring my last company, I have never actually witnessed anyone making any disparaging remarks against women in a professional environment.All the guys I have dated were pretty gender un-biased ,including Sid.I guess I was just lucky.Hence I steer clear of all feminist arguments as I have nothing much to contribute and wonder what this fuss is all about.

If someone says something funny to you ,you punch them on the face.Unfortunately not in the adult world, to which I have been reluctantly pushed.

The point of this long ramble, I guess, is to ask you guys if it is OK, if the mother of your live-in boyfriend  for some weird reason assumes that both of you are sleeping in different rooms (am I that unappealing?) AND asks questions like

“Did all his(Sid’s)  shirts come back from the laundry”?

“Accha beta,maine na saare masala yahaan rakh diya hain”.(Ignore grammatical mistakes, if any)

“Accha beta, fridge mein na saaman aise rakho”.(what is this north indian fascination of calling people of both genders ,beta?I though beta = son.Atleast that’s what Miss Sudesh Verma taught us in school.And with her flabby cheeks and huge belly, I dare not doubt her)

“Beta, aap,daal mein thoda ghee dalo kabhi kabhi.”

And on and on.So everything related to kitchen/maid  is directed to me and rest (electrician ,cable connection) to my male roommate ,my dear ol boyfriend.

So, here I am un-employed ,directionless, desperately looking for ways to earn money in a way I want to (whatever that means), pretty much stuck in a rut ,not doing much yet have my finger in many pies.Trying to figure my next move.

AND I FUCKING DON’T give a flying fuck if somebody’s fucking laundry is back, all in order. Hell I don’t even care if he parades naked in the house.I forgot the last time I brought some thing nice for myself. I don’t care if the fridge is in order.To hell with the mixer and grinder.Do you mind if I sort my life now, maybe the masalas can wait..a few decades??

To which the BF  who almost became an ex with this classic   ” Oh ,that’s because she think I am too careless and can’t manage things on my own”. (OH HOW SWEET. Excuse me while I hit you senseless with this iron tong.)

This,btw, is from the guy who makes me tea every single day, learnt to cook everything including chicken for me and takes care of everything including  his girlfriend,her bills and her whims.My dad thinks I am irresponsible, immature and just a burden on others. I donot recall him asking any of my boyfriends about my laundry and my dietary preferences.

And the What-the-fuck question of the week?

“Beta (groan), you should learn to cook his(Guess whose) favourite dishes.” Which includes ,for anyone who cares , this round little thing ,called tinda. A vegetable I got introduced to today and which I initially mistook for the Green Apple.

(  Green Apples.Presenting Monsieur  Tinda)

So I just about managed to collect my jaws from the ground and reply “I hate Tindas and  I don’t think I will be cooking them anyday”.And I hate rajma, chole’s, arbi,any other daal other than masoor and tur (and that too cooked the Assamese way). Ok to cut it short I hate North Indian food.Its too oily ,spicy and heavy.I cook what I like to eat, and I generally cook for whoever is in the house.If they don’t like ,there are always take-aways, you know.So I guess, like the rest of us,mere mortals,somebody has to learn to cook his favourite dishes .Why? Because my brain is hard-wired into not doing the one thing that I am supposed/ought to do!!

This post actually spawns three major questions

1) Am I been discriminated against because I am currently at home? And it doesn’t matter that I am trying to get some work done. In which many of us are guilty-of assuming that just because you no longer go to a ‘office’  , you are doing nothing and hence have all the free time(who am I kidding? I have all the free time,but lets not talk about me now). I know quite a few who have inadvertently fallen prey to this, including my sister.So ,obviously, his mother will ask me all these inane questions,since I am conveniently around. But would it have been the same had Sid been at home?Would a guy be asked the same questions-given the same gyan?

2)Am  I over reacting or there is something sexist in the above instances. Many females I know are facing a similar situation, with a tiny difference that they are all married. With all my maturity ,I brushed off their concerns as over reactions and my usual response was.”Notice your husband,see how distant he is from everything. Do that.”.You donot see sons-in-law having such problems,maybe because they ,slyly,maintain a zen like attitude in such mundane family matters..Problems with in-laws are things that happened to ‘women on Zee tv, with straight hair and horrendous make up’. Not MBAs,not award winning novelists,not film stars (ya i know one too),not the girl I got stoned with in college. How come it is happening to all these smart ,educated ,ambitious ,funny easy-to-get-along-with women .Why is it that I have heard only females say, (or rather try hard to convince themselves) “My father-in-law/mother-in-law is so cool..they have no objection to me wearing shorts/drinking (with them)/<insert any random basic human right>? Aren’t you selling yourself short?

I eat my words now. It is difficult to be that zen either.I cannot.I have mentioned, endlessly, how I am basically an escapist when it comes to difficult social situations.If I am uncomfortable I simply walk away.I will not confirm,neither will I attempt to make the other person see sense.I donot adapt easy and I definitely am not wasting time adapting to somebody else’s family, tradition,religion,surname,food.Regarding moving in with the spouse’s family,unless it is the Buckingham Palace you are talking about where we can avoid bumping into each other,it ain’t happening.I can’t even stay with MY parents for more than a month.I won’t do anything for the sake of maintaining ‘peace’ and just because ‘they are elders and they are set in their ways”.(Casteism is set in some people’s minds,mostly the older generation).And I value my privacy more than anything else.My room,my space,my time.

3) Or is this a very North Indian phenomenon? Sid’s mom otherwise is quite a nice lady. Showering us with gifts, feeding us and shopping for us. According to Sid, most North Indians are very traditional so I ought not to get too hassled with this. (though I have seen similar scene in south Indian families too). So should I be glad she didn’t raise any fuss when we moved in together.Why should I ? My parents didn’t say anything-not that they had a chance, I moved in and then invited them over to stay with us :-).Am I making another sweeping generalization?Though it will be a rare case indeed if you find any Assamese woman (ok fine, north eastern woman) asking her son’s girlfriend (not a fiancee’, mind you),to make his favorite dishes.

So according to the mom, I am not sharing the bed with this man but I am supposed to be cooking his favourite dishes.Do I look like the role model for Ms. Ekkktaaa Kkkpooor’s next epic?

I desperatly need some words from the married lot!! And the single lot, just cool your heels till this gets sorted out.The scene looks murkier the other side.There is blood and gore.

And un-sorted fridges.

And masala dabbas.

P.S.  : Anyone cares about my favourite dish?